Fourteen players, one shared Google Calendar, and a group chat with more debate about snack duty than tactics. Here's who takes the pitch (or the bench, valiantly) every Tuesday night.
Goalkeeper
Has never once dove for a ball while wearing the correct color gloves. Unbeaten in staring contests with strikers.
Center Back
Team captain. Brings a literal whistle to practice that he is not permitted to use.
Right Back (currently: Chief Sideline Morale Officer)
On crutches since Week 6. Still shows up every match to yell tactical advice that nobody follows.
Left Back
Can recite the offside rule perfectly. Has never once been able to apply it in real time.
Defensive Midfield
Self-appointed statistician. Keeps a spreadsheet nobody asked for and everybody secretly checks.
Central Midfield
Our most technically gifted player. Also the reason we own a first aid kit shaped like a soccer ball.
Right Wing
Fastest player on the team for the first fifteen minutes. A completely different pace thereafter.
Left Wing
Scored our only hat trick in franchise history, then bought everyone tacos to celebrate.
Striker
Leading goal scorer two seasons running. Leading "hit the crossbar instead" scorer four seasons running.
Striker
Named Player of the Match by the other team's coach once, by mistake, and we still bring it up.
Utility / Wherever Coach Points
Has played all eleven positions across his career, occasionally within the same match.
Substitute / Snack Coordinator
Undefeated in the true competition: postgame orange slice distribution logistics.
Substitute
Joined mid-season after answering our "must own shin guards" flyer literally. We appreciated the honesty.
Head Coach
Runs practice with a whiteboard, a whistle, and the patience of a saint. Refuses to reveal her playing days record.
We're always short a sub or two around exam season, holidays, and "my back went out again" o'clock. All skill levels welcome, including "I once watched a whole World Cup match."